How to set the kitchen on fire (Work in progress)

I wouldn’t call myself hopelessly clumsy. I was reasonably good at chemistry and didn’t really blow up anything in the lab when I was in school despite being in close proximity with a number of chemicals and teachers who could blow up. I even have a memory which is good enough to remember instructions. So why does every cooking experiment I embark on end in near disaster?


Case 1: Custard.

How easy is this? I mean, all you have to do is boil milk with sugar, cool it, mix it with custard powder, boil it again, cool it again and put it in the fridge; fairly simple as far as recipes for dessert go. It’s even simpler with ready made ice cream mixes.

Everything was fine till I mixed in the custard powder. I forgot this one vital little thing: stir. Burnt custard is not really all that appetizing.And it smells weird.



Case 2: Cutlets

Everything was going great. Mom was right there to help (read: give instructions, lament about how hopeless I am at this, pity my future husband, et cetera , et cetera) and I was totally hyped about mashing the potatoes and mixing in the egg and stuff, feeling like one of those celebrity chefs on TV.

The moment of glory arrived when the potato patties were finally ready to be fried. The oil temperature was just right, the kitchen temperature was sweltering and I carefully dropped the first cutlet into the oil.

Success.

Or not. I watched with all the disappointment of a scientist on the edge of breakthrough who, instead of a super human ends up with a mutant creature from hell bent on destroying the lab, as the patty disintegrated into the oil and emitted copious amounts of smoke.

‘Too little egg,’ my mother observed dispassionately.
I fished out the remains with a ladle and gave up cooking for a while.



Case 3: Soup (date: today)

I am a big fan of instant soups (and noodles and pasta…in fact anything instant is right up my alley). I have done this many times over the years and though other people might be paranoid about tasting it, I have been perfectly satisfied with my hot and sour/sweet corn/chicken/ veggie soup. Today was a little different. No instant soup packet.

Do I give up? No. Great people who are hungry do not give up. They persevere. They go online and find a simple recipe for the only thing they can find at home.
However, they might not leave oil in a pan to heat up on a high flame for too long.

By the way, don’t do this.
After putting out the flame (Dad helped. Science lesson: Put a cloth over it. If the cloth doesn’t catch fire, the fire will be put out because the oxygen supply is cut off. If the cloth catches fire, you’re in trouble) and exiting kitchen for the exhaust fan to do its job, I continue on my quest and look up soup thickeners.

Corn starch: don’t have it.
Vegetable puree: too lazy.
Roux: flour mixed with butter. Hmm...

Ten minutes later I sit at the computer proudly, with one bowl of bonafide onion soup thickened with roux. I wait for it to cool as I type out my entry on how to set the kitchen on fire. I finally taste my culinary masterpiece.

Too much salt.